I'm feeling saddened inside. I'm not sure what quite to do. I had something going towards tattooing and I don't know if I just made the wrong move or its just not the right fit. First of all I really need to figure out who I am. That's been a challenge so far, one moment everything feels great and in sync, the next confused and misled. Where do I go? I have a deep desire to create but don't know where to focus. Focus has been wildly sporadic. I had my focus and due to events not sure what it is or will be. Maybe I can look to the heavens for a sign but will that really help. I guess it narrows things down a bit. I'm in love with tattooing but is it superficial. I had aspirations to do an apprenticeship but feel I fell short due to my decisions and time constraints. I think I need to take a risk but too scared to execute. I worry about finances and would like to set things up so they are not so worrisome, but yet again can't focus and commit. It all comes down to lack of commitment. I'm too scared to make any final choices thinking I need to leave my options open. Things are not completely cut off, but my drive has steeply plummeted. Now my joy has diminished reducing my eagerness to draw and paint. Which I need to do to even think I could get better. I've made a little progress but not sure where to go. Do I need a slap in the face that tells me to just give up, you don't have what it takes. Or could this be the dip, the challenge that has arisen for me to test my faith. Not in god but in the process, the grind, the work, it takes to be great.
I have taken a new position in a larger city to move ourselves towards the action, but am really nervous. There will be growth, but I worry the field I'm going into may produce similar responses of overwhelming emotional stress. I got a little raise but I'm tired of doing things for the money and not the joy of doing what I love. I hope I've made a good impression on those around me. But I know if don't some silly things and acted a damn fool in times of stress. I just don't quite know how to interoperate things without going overboard into the mental ocean I'm currently depending in. I've don't things taken action but never feel it is enough. I have a hard time looking back without feeling like crap for striving so hard to look forward. In reality they don't exist other than the presence of the now. Where have my moments gone in frivolous seeking of past and future? Does all this really change anything. I have a choice and my current programing is fighting the change that needs to happen to become the person I am. Could this options have really stunted things or would it just be another decision I've put an extraordinary amount of unnecessary weight on.
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