Saddened

A sadness is setting in. Is it the true realization that my job now is worthless in my heart. I have no satisfaction. The process I can do and perform, some are ingrained, like stabbing a needle in someone's arm. Ooo Blood. But I've be handed a position and its been probably 6 months or a little more that I've been doing it. Its more intermediate, for if I actually want to pursue it further I would have to invest a whole lot more time and money to get a pretty piece of paper that says I'm a certified histology tech. At first sounded good. I could make more money and hopefully supplement my dreams on the side. More and more the realization that this crap is not what I want to do. Its becoming more and more and effort I even bother to come. I've been working 6 days a week for the past month or two. Looking forward to more bullshit. But today I'm really feeling the deepening sadness. A sinking irritating feeling that I'm wasting my time and energy, the most valuable resources I have to do something I desire not. There can be interesting things I get to take part of but don't out weight the dissatisfying feelings in my gut. I'm having money held over my head and stupid bullshit, because I've been late. Even put on probation for a period. This should be the obvious sign that this fucking sucks. I keep thinking out in your time and get out, but how much longer. I could be a lot better with my time and money to move me in a different direction. I've been noticing a change and a move towards things that I actually desire to do, but not sure when to take the leap. I'm almost thinking of just quitting and finding anything else to do. This doesn't supplement my soul only my weak pockets. I get the opportunity to watch so many around me live unsatisfactory lives. I plan to not be one of those. My mind has been going crazy mulling over possibilities. I look at psychology but not sure I wanna go back to school, I look at creative expression but with little support, although in the process of increasing support, and I look at travel, more long term. But I'm in a bit of a pickle. I myself seem to have a hard time acting vs speaking of my goals. I'm married and I have to take into account strongly my wife and her desires. There is a hinderence she can be very very scared of doing things worried all hell will break loose and we could lose our asses. But I highly doubt that will happen. Things will come up. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, although we try as much as we can to reduce any discomforts. But that's the theme of those who don't try. All comfort and no discomforts makes people sedentary. I'm not bagging on her just reiterating what I'm absorbing and trying to instill it into my beliefs. I have fears and plenty of them and it sucks. I get anxiety thinking over we of these things. Ivw come to narrow down my pursuits but still am so damn indecisive I drive myself crazy and carries over to my wife. Its all frustrating. Back to my point I'm dissatisfied with where I'm at get too fucking afraid to make some jumps. But I could be so much happier. I'm sick of dragging myself to work. I'm sick of bullshit bosses trying to hold my wellbeing over my head like a fucking child. If this continues I will be throwing my life down the fucking drain. I'm still in my hometown for god sakes. Why am I still here. Its a Trap. There is no culture and people wanna keep shit poor and dumbed down. Cause that's how they like it. Its all very saddening. I do not want to roll over. Its bad enough I've put myself through torture for someone else's aspirations for what They think I should do. I'm done with that. Time to make myself happy. I've been dumb enough to take the shock and keep lying down. Now I understand more of the experiment and need to recognize its all in my own power, time to do something about it. So many of us lead the lives we never imagined and its for the worst. So many lost hopes and desires. It's about time I figure shit out before I really feel its too late. Its never too late but in my mind it's approaching. I don't wanna live the default lifestyle crammed forcefully down our thoughts. I'm learning more how school and college educations really do not prepare you for navigating the real world they feed us a bunch of lies to keep the weak in their place. I will rise up. I will climb that mountain. Its all about perspective but its so hard to see beyond what is right in front of you. I must remain steadfast in my desires and drive out the self doubt along with the social doubt. Let this sadness become my fuel, let it feed anger to do more to progress, for one day I will be free and that is worth more than anything acquired before.